On The Issue Of Testing…

Just over 10 days ago, the world celebrated Valentine’s day- that so-called special chunk of 24 hours reserved to show the special ones in our lives how much they mean to us. This year’s valentine’s day witnessed loads of marriage proposals from those within my circle of contacts and irrespective of how you feel about PDAs (that’s Public Displays of Affection by the way), it was really romantic to watch the guys man up, go down on one knee and pop the question to their giggling, often tearful sweethearts. Oh the hugs, the tears, the gifts and the ‘yeses’. Beautiful day it was.

However, beyond Feb 14, life, love and the unending enigma called relationships must go on. Human relationships are very interesting. As humans, we possess a high sense of self-preservation- we’d do almost anything to avoid getting hurt. So it is emotionally too- we develop tactics and mechanisms to avoid getting hurt (or at least to dampen the effect). One way we’ve devised is the practice of testing our partners (spouses, fiancé/fiancée, special friends). You know, the whole idea is to set up a scenario, make it look and feel as real as possible and observe how the other person responds in this ‘environment’.

So he keeps his money 100% to himself; hardly any gifts or surprises even when he can afford it- claiming he’s testing if her affection is based on what he has/gives or who he is. He even goes as far as pretending he’s broke just to find out how she responds when cash flow is scanty. She flirts with the other guy- just to see if he’ll get jealous (after all, love always has a trace of jealousy, right?). He does that too. One person fakes anger over an issue- just to see how the other handles such situations. So many methods- all with one purpose.

Yes, it’s important to somehow get to know the other person beyond what they tell you; but how do we do that in a way that doesn’t backfire on us or throw up unpleasant surprises? Some see such tests as an expression of distrust; others view them as a necessary part of relationships today- especially with the level of pretense/’packaging’ going on. What do you think?

Do you think it is right to test your partner? And how far should it go? Have you tested someone or later found out you were being tested? How did it play out? Let’s get talking friends and enrich one another’s lives with shared wisdom and experiences. Looking forward to your comments!

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30 thoughts on “On The Issue Of Testing…

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  1. The contexts I am referring to are not unnatural occurences that are farfetched and unlikely to happen. They are situations that may not show up now but are very likely to happen latter. But you need information now as to the person’s responses under such circumstances. You cannot afford unpleasant surprises. So you set up a test. Tests bring future scenarios forward so as to examine the response of the person being tested under such circumstances.

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    1. Oh I see…now your perspective is getting clearer to me. Anyways, I still hold a few reservations against the idea of ‘testing’…especially since once it starts, where do you really draw the line? What can be tested and what is off-limits? I kinda feel it’s like starting a vicious cycle…or what do you think friends?

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  2. Thanks for sharing your thoughts Raphael. I’m thinking though, could there be any other way to assess the other person’s true character apart from testing (setting up situations to see how he/she would respond)?
    Could keen observation and in-depth communication satisfy our innate desire to really know the other person? Just asking.

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    1. Nope. Yes, sometimes certain character traits are obvious and on the surface, and testing is not required to reveal them. But for some other critical issues, a test is important. With testing, you can put people into contexts that might not happen naturally, and then observe their responses.
      Keen observation and in-depth communication can be effective tools in the hands of a good tester. They help you probe and go beyond the smile. And this ‘Logic’ is very important because letting logic take the backseat and ‘following your heart’ has proved over and over again to be folly. At some point the ‘cozy’ feelings disappear and you are left with the logic or illogic of the relationship.

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      1. Hmmm…”with testing, you can put people into context that might not happen naturally”.
        I’m thinking, if it’s a situation that won’t otherwise occur naturally, why set it up? Won’t the creation of an ‘unnatural’ context lead to an ‘unnatural’ response from the other person (thereby possibly leading to a wrong judgement of character)?

        I’ll say ‘Amen!’ though to the disappearance of cozy feelings after a while. Looking forward to your position on the question raised above.

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    2. Humans hv ability 2 pretend. We have many wolves in sheep clothing dis dayz when it cms to relationship. Keen observation is good bt it can not be use used as the only way to knw a person’s true sef. When ur spouse is tested n trusted den u can begin 2 build ur world arnd them. I wil advice we periodically test jst as doz in d medical field normlly advices us 4 periodic check up n test. Bt testing shld be done wt good intention to help build r relationship not 2 condem.

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  3. Testing is a very imprtnt part in building trust. U can’t jst pick a person by d road n u start trusting. There must be check n balance. For any materials to be certified it must be tested 2 knw if it is qualified dats y even God allow us to be tested(tempted) to knw if we are rili who we say we are. Even Jesus was tested, so y r we so afraid of been tested? Except we hv smtin to hid. If guyz n ladies can be who dey say they r den dey shld nt be afraid of been tested. But every test has a limit cos 2much of habit is bad

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    1. Thanks for sharing your thoughts Raphael. I’m thinking though, could there be any other way to assess the other person’s true character apart from testing (setting up situations to see how he/she would respond)?
      Could keen observation and in-depth communication satisfy our innate desire to really know the other person? Just asking.

      Like

  4. Hmmm… Yemi, now this is what I call a ‘curve ball’…the logic behind your comment seems water-tight…but most times, logic takes a backseat when relationship issues are under review…would be nice to see how others respond to your comment.

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  5. Trust has to be fact-based rather than sentimental. Testing helps establish the necessary facts. Yes, it can feel offensive to be tested but that is the only way to be proven trustworthy. The gap between what we say and what we actually do is too wide for anyone to take a chance and just trust. Being tested does not mean that you are a bad person, it proves how good a person you are.

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    1. Hmmm… Yemi, now this is what I call a ‘curve ball’…the logic behind your comment seems water-tight…but most times, logic takes a backseat when relationship issues are under review…would be nice to see how others respond to your comment.

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  6. i think every testing should be done moderately if neccessary. when you are in doubt of whom you are with,it can be done. But if you are with someone that is sincere,it can backfire. so in all,tread carefully.

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  7. Testin for me is really not necessary, as u date/court with time, you should be able to tell the kind of person u r dating and not test the person to kw. What if after testing he/she passes ‘the test’ and somewhere along the line the person changes?
    I once dated someone who not there for me wen I had some challenges financially. I got a job and during the training, an urgent need arose and because it felt ackward to ask him for money, I told him to borrow me which he did; turned out I did not use it anymore. I returned it,he collected and I stopped calling him.
    At the end of my training, he was trying hard to see me and gave me the most absurd excuse I have ever heard, he was testing me; all the times I had asked for assistance and he refused, he was testing me. So for me, its not necessary infact it is absurd.

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    1. Wow…thanks for sharing your experience Efe, I’m sure someone else will benefit from it. This seems to be a very touchy subject for people who have been or are in relationships…

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  8. honestly,i really dont think testing is necessary…love in it true sense doesnt cal for testing.if circumstances by virtue of it collaboratn wit fate decides to challenge d strength of yr love,its fyn…if ur love is true and the communicatn is perfect,u wil walk ryt tru it ..setting up eventz,pretendg and faking ills al to test love,m sorrx d oda persn may nt meet up to yr expectn so i suggest people b real to their spouses n develope a gud communicatn life…testg wont b necessary..

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  9. TESTING……… We all get tested every now and then. Some we are made aware of later, others we may never find out. That been said, Testin is importanted in any human relationship. Bt knowin the limit of such test is much more important, so as to avoid a situation of pushin the other person beyond their limits.

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      1. Yes boss, has and still do when d nid arises, and I knw I must hav been tested along the line too. But one thing is for sure bro. Its up to us to be as happy as we want to be and we hav got to put in enof work to ensure that. So I feel d best option is been urself and tryin to be the best version of you.

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  10. if you are testing me, my dear you are on your own because these days i treat each attitude as it comes, no such thing as waiting for karma(good or bad). better know who i am and act accordingly

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      1. Life itself will bring PLENTY of situations in which you can prove yourself. You don’t need to create them by yourself. Sufficient for the day are its troubles.

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