I am not certain if my struggle started at birth or days ago when I screamed ‘Happy New Year’.
I cannot really say.
But I am in no doubt that there is a struggle. The struggle is not with my neighbours, family or friends. Rather, it’s a complicated dilemma featuring a deep-rooted desire to please God, an aspiration for the skies and disgust towards being ordinary. It is an inner conflict between my decisions and God’s will , my abilities and my dreams, my weaknesses and my hopes.
If I told you the words to express my struggle come easy, I would be a liar like none else. How do I say that I
sometimes doubt my competence? How do I tell you that I feel overwhelmed by the demands of greatness? How does one say he’s scared senseless about settling in with the pack of “everyday” people, yet doubtful of his ability to sit with the eagles? How do I say that I’m terrified that my dreams might be “carnal” and not pleasing to God? How do I say I want a great future now? How do I describe the interwoven flow of anxiety, fear, joy, doubt, intrigue, hope, and aspiration that seem to dominate my thinking?
Well, I guess the way I just did.
The future could be such a scary concept. I know it shouldn’t be but my knowledge and feelings seem ignorant of each other’s existence. I learnt I am to bully the latter into cooperation with the former. That has not been an easy road to travel.
Though this does not bother me, since my tutors told me it is a process. They say life is a process. I am very much at home with this, however, like my primary, secondary and University education, (all processes); can I have the schedule of life’s process with details of just how long each step on the ladder would last?
Life is a process where lots of hope and faith is required (note they both share a characteristic of being unseen). Life is unlike the process of baking a cake or erecting a building, where you know in advance when to do what, you know all the materials required and the duration till completion.
So every day, I crawl or walk or run or fly (I ensure I move) along the path, assuring myself that I am relentlessly determined not to give up, pushing away with so much might, the terrifying thoughts that I might fail, holding steadily to the promises of God, checking and re checking that every step is His will, terrified at the outcome of displeasing Him, searching for knowledge in books, “How tos…”, memoirs, “10 easy steps…”, “Discovering the…” and the titles run on. Without shame or a cheap shot at eliciting your pity, I confess that this can be a very tiring process.
Sometimes, thoughts of giving up come around and want to flirt. The laziness surrounding an ordinary life lures. The easy road of the average man beckons. Fortunately, my decision to avoid and even detest such living is like a judgement pronounced by the Supreme Court – incontestable, final. Regardless, the road to greatness is no cheap talk. I have had to contend with self-doubt and periods when I am tempted to tell myself the lie that a little sloppiness can do no harm. At some other times, I wonder what I deserve.
Dear reader, I do not know if you can relate with this. If you cannot, throw your best shot at being sympathetic. Hopefully however, you can. Should the latter be the case, join me in a rugged determination that if we fall, we would rise; if we tire, we would be strengthened, if we doubt, we would return and believe. In any case, rain or shine would catch us on the path to greatness, blind to the ordinary, diehard decided that if truly God has a future for us, we would get there.
Live by Design.
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