You’re probably wondering where that came from or what on earth it means. Because you’ve asked, I’ll tell you the story.

‘Vex-money’ is a term I first heard on an audio CD sometime in mid-2013 (the things we recall sha!). It was a singles’ event (I think) and the speaker was describing the importance of maintaining a certain degree of independence, where you are still able to function effectively when others are either unable or unwilling to be with you.

So as a lady, for instance, you go out on a date and the guy starts acting foolish, you simply get up, pay the bill and leave the idiot fellow alone. That’s ‘vex-money’ talking. Or you ask to make use of a friend’s device and they act like you just asked for a kidney, the next day, you show up with a brand new model of that device. I know, I know. It feels childish if you really do that but when vex-money talks….(I’ll let you fill in the missing words).

Today though, I’m expanding and refining the concept beyond finances. I’m thinking about human relationships in general. The concept of vex-money shouldn’t always be triggered by anger (in fact, I don’t support such impulsive behavior). Rather, it should be a normal, underlying attitude to life, founded on certain realisations such as:

People are that important but they should not be that important.

Every significant thing that will happen in your life will be affected by others in some way. Therefore, relationships are the primary channels through which we express and receive the best experiences in life.

However, those who understand (and deploy) the power of vex-money know that ultimately, some people will leave. Therefore, it is wisdom to ensure that there is a certain part of your identity, sense of self-worth or capacity to produce results that is not helplessly hinged on another human.

I’ll wait while you read that again.

There is a certain part of YOUR identity, sense of self-worth or capacity to produce results that Should not be helplessly hinged on another human.

That is God’s exclusive territory in your life.

I find it interesting that virtually all biblical heroes were called alone. They stood in a place of personal, private effectiveness with God and the relationships that came into their lives were add-ons to get their tasks delivered.
That’s why Abraham could go on when Lot walked away. That’s why Jacob still succeeded when he left his in-laws. That’s why Paul retained an incredibly effective ministry even after he split with Barnabas.

Am I saying you should treat the relationships in your life like disposable cups? No. But I am saying, know the limitations of those connections and don’t demand from them, the virtues they were never designed to release.

But Jesus did not commit himself unto them, because he knew all men, and needed not that any should testify of man: for he knew what was in man

John 2:23-24 (KJV)

Be honest with yourself, are you scared of losing any relationship in your life today, not because of the love and respect, but simply because you know think that if they go, you cannot stand alone? Then it’s time to change a few things.

Get back into discovering your true identity in God, just as He sees you. Develop yourself. Hone your skills. Embrace the things you’re passionate about and get going already.

Then when you’re privileged to meet great friends and partners, your relationship will be a healthy mix of shared passions, developing skills and deep-seated respect for each person’s unique abilities.

Trust me, you don’t need clingy or needy folks in your life – but make sure you aren’t the leech in someone else’s space either.

Live by Design.


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