It’s been a while since the last time we talked. I’m sure you’re doing quite well at work and all… I trust you on that.
But the truth is Bro, I wish I could say the same for myself. It’s barely seven days to Christmas and the ‘fever’ is rising to mad levels! All around me, everyone is busy, making gift lists and counting their blessings. It’s like everyone else had a great year- everyone except me.
I hear friends talk about the big goals they’ve accomplished since January and I feel so small. Weak. What happened to me?I started out just like any other person twelve months ago. I had awesome dreams, I had plans. You know me Bro, I laid it all out. I had it figured- or so I thought. This was supposed to be my best year yet.
But it’s just seven days to Christmas and I’m fighting hard not to drown in the swelling depression. I feel like such a failure! I know, I know, my words sound strange to you, right? I’ve always been the poster child for the cool, calm and collected young genius. People remind me just how ‘blessed’ I am and I’m wondering if they’re talking about the same me that I know. You know, the me that surfaces when the doors click shut and darkness falls.
They say it’s been a great year. I simply cannot connect with that. I don’t know what they’re talking about. I wish I did.
I wish I could celebrate like everyone else. I wish I could be happy. I wish I could reel off a checklist of impressive feats and feel good about myself. But I can’t. I have the list, and it’s all checked. But this gaping feeling is eroding my sanity! It feels like I could have done more… SHOULD have done. More what? Now I’m blank.
And this is the most annoying part-I don’t know what’s missing! I know there’s a problem (there has to be) but no clue what it is. Something’s not just right. I’m not making any sense, right? Now you know what kind of shape I’m really in.
Please help, Bro. I don’t know what else to do and it’s all getting to me.
Help me please- before I do something really stupid.
I shared this because I feel someone out there may be going through a similar experience. What should have been a time of joy and celebration has become a trigger for regrets and depression as the shoulda, coulda, woulda press hard on you. Look out for my response to Jo’s letter in my next post. I pray he finds some answers in my words. I pray you do too.
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